Episode 84: Breaking Out of Survival Mode: A Conversation for Parents Who Do It All – Miyoki Chan

LD Expert Podcast with Jill Stowell
High Performance Isn't Out of Reach, It’s Under the Surface
Miyoki Chan

 

Jill Stowell: I remember when my kids were young and someone would say to me, “You need to take five minutes for yourself.” And I would think, “I'm working. The kids have homework and activities.” There's always something I'm supposed to be doing and never enough time.

 

If you've ever felt that way, this episode is for you. Because as parents, especially if you're parenting a child with learning or attention challenges, you're not just managing logistics, you're holding emotions, you're advocating, you're showing up every single day, trying to help your child succeed. And without realizing it, you may be stuck in survival mode.

 

Today, I'm joined by Miyoki Chan, certified high performance and parenting coach and author of the upcoming book, “Breaking Through Survival Mode”. She helps parents and professionals shift from just getting through the day to living and leading with intention, clarity, and peace.

 

This is a conversation about what's really underneath our stress, and how building awareness, reframing mindsets, and tuning into our needs can lead to lasting change.

 

Welcome to the LD Expert Podcast, your place for answers and solutions for dyslexia and learning differences.

 

I'm your host, Jill Stowell, Founder and Executive Director of Stowell Learning Centers and author of “Take the Stone Out of the Shoe: A Must-Have Guide to Understanding, Supporting, and Correcting Dyslexia, Learning, and Attention Challenges”.

 

Most of our conversations on this podcast are focused on helping parents and educators understand and support the children in their lives, kids who are struggling with learning, attention, or emotional regulation. But today's conversation is about you because if you're the guide, the advocate, the steady presence, trying to hold everything together, you matter too.

 

You are the pillar your child leans on, and that means your well-being, your mindset, and your capacity to keep going through hard things. That deserves attention.

 

I am so pleased to welcome Miyoki Chan to the podcast. Miyoki helps people move beyond burnout and overwhelm to live, lead, and parent with intention, compassion, and peace. Welcome, Miyoki.

 

Miyoki Chan: Hi, good morning, Jill. Thank you for having me on your podcast. I really appreciate it.

 

Jill Stowell: Well, thank you for being here. I cannot wait for this conversation.

 

Miyoki Chan: I’m excited.

 

Jill Stowell: So, let's start with your story, what you do, and how you got there.

 

Miyoki Chan: Sure. Actually, I've been asked about this a lot this year, actually, because I'm working on my book, “Breaking Through Survival Mode,” that's coming out next year. The pre-sale starts in October 6. So, a little bit about myself. I was a stay-at-home mom for, let me see, counting years wise, since my daughter was diagnosed with her type 1 diabetes in 2017.

 

Since then, I have thought about becoming a full-time worker, go back to the career field, and my background is in linguistics. I have my MA in linguistics. I was going to teach at the university, either Chinese as a foreign language or English as a second language, but life took a different turn for me when my daughter was diagnosed.

 

I ended up staying home, and I was a stay-at-home mom, and it took us a long time to decide if we want to have a second child because we're taking a chance if she might be diagnosed with diabetes too. But with careful consideration and a lot of thought into it, we said, “Let's do it.”

 

So fast forward that to today. Now, I have two lovely daughters. So, in 2022, I attended a mom's retreat for type 1 diabetic parents. So, I was a T1D parent, what we call it. And it was not until I was at that retreat that I realized I had not ever gotten out of whatever situation I was in. And it wasn't even until much later, fast forward to this year, in the winter, that I had a grief coach that offered this service to me, and she said, “Well, how do you feel about your daughter's diagnosis this year for being neurodivergent?” And because last year we found out my T1D is also on the spectrum, and when she asked me that, I looked her in the face and I said, “This time around, it's better because I have time to process. I have a way to find a supportive community.”

 

But honestly, the first time around, I was hit in the dark. My whole world went completely dark when my identity shifted, and that was the terminology. I didn't even know that's what I had gone through. I had a big identity shift, and I was in survival mode. My grief coach pointed that out. She said, “You sounded like you were just surviving.” And I said, “That's it. I was. I was getting through day to day to check off the list what I need to do for her medical needs, therapy, school needs, advocating for her, and figuring out what's the next thing.”

 

It's always something next. It was never a peaceful moment where I could sit down and think for myself, how am I doing? And it was not until I sat with the coach, and she said, “How are you doing?” And I cried on the spot because I told her, no one has sat down with me to ask how I am doing. They're always asking, how are you managing your daughter? How are you managing her school? How are you advocating for her? It was always about my identity as a caretaker for her.

 

It took a long time to step out of the identity to see me for who I am and what I struggle with. So that was my story for how I got started on the book. My coach inspired me to do that. And take that to last year. Last year, I got certified as a high-performance coach. And prior to that, my background was a swim instructor.

 

I was a water safety instructor through the American Red Cross. And my friend invited me to a coaching summit. And she said, “You have to attend.” And I said, “Why? I teach swimming. What does that have anything to do with coaching? I don't do sports.” A typical answer of what we think a coach does.

 

And she said, “No, it's not sports performance. It's high performance.” I said, “Well, that's not me. I don't have any high agenda or aspiration. I'm just a stay-at-home mom trying to manage my two kids' schedule, health care, and trying to make something out of my life for myself, being a swim instructor.”

 

And she said, “That's it. Your passion has never left. There is a part of you that needs to be reignited. And you have it in you and you do it for other kids. You have to do it for yourself.”

 

And those words, they got to me. And I went to the summit. And my god, it had transformed me entirely. It was usually people sign up for the program because of the trainer. He's very well known. But I didn't know him going in. I knew my friend. And what I came out of there signing up for the program was not because of him or her, but because of all the coaches that I met and all the work that they do and all the inspiring stories that they shared with me. And I said, I need to go through this transformation myself. I need to feel it, experience it.

 

If I'm going to teach other people or help other people, I have to 100% test the program out myself. And I'm a living testimony for it. So, I transformed my life completely 360 from a stay-at-home mom to now being an entrepreneur, an author, a coach. And I'm proud of the journey that I've traveled. And I'm amazed by the wonderful people that I meet along the way.

 

Jill, you were one of them that I happened to meet along the way. If I hadn't started this book journey, I would never have come across your center. I would never have come across your book. I would never have come across talking to you so closely about these topics that are so close to both of our hearts.

 

Jill Stowell: Well, that is a pretty amazing story, Miyoki. Wow, there were a number of things that you touched on. And I want to go back to where you talked about being asked about grief. You know, that's something that maybe doesn't really get acknowledged, or really understood even by the parent, when you're dealing with something with your child that you didn't expect. And it doesn't make us love our kids any less. But there is a grief there.

 

And I feel like, you know, that is not understood very often. So, thank you for sharing that. And, you know, you did talk quite a bit about what it looked like for you in survival mode. And I'm sure so many parents relate to that. How can someone know, a parent or professional know that they're stuck in survival mode? Because survival mode is just what it sounds like. We just keep going and going. How do we know?

 

Miyoki Chan: Okay. So, if you asked me that question, before I started coaching, I would have probably denied it. Actually, a lot of parents would say, you'll typically hear them say, “I'm fine, I got it. Yeah, I just keep going. I'm doing it for the kids.” And everything you hear in their conversations surrounds their kids. They're managing their house, they're managing everything. And then you don't hear them talk about themselves. You can ask them, like, when is the last time you thought about something you want to do for your life at your free time? And they'll look at you like you're crazy.

 

What are you talking about? There's no me in the equation. There are too many things I have to take care of. I have to run the family, I have to take them from sports to sports, and I have to plan their activities, sign up for their classes. I have to take them to medical appointments, deal with insurance, fill out forms.

 

And then you say, yes, but there's 24 hours a day. How many of it do you give to yourself? And they probably can't answer you. And you ask them, well, when's the last time you did something fun or like take a break? You know, and not feel guilty about it.

 

Again, they'll look at you like, “What? That's not productive. I can't spend my day lazy-ing away or doing nothing.”

 

Jill Stowell: Right.

 

Miyoki Chan: It took me a long time to admit to my coach that before I felt like I had to hustle and get things done and get approval for a break. And now she and I agree that taking a break is the most productive thing I can do. And now I always permit myself and my kids, you know, try to read their body language, try to read.

 

Verbal is great, but try to read their nonverbals to see when we're both at our brink and just say, “Let's just go out for some fresh air.” Let's just sit in silence and touch the sand or feel the grass, you know, or just bathe. Let's go take a bath or just walk, put our hand in water. I don't know. Everyone's different, right? Everyone's sensory is different. So, for me, my magic formula is water.

 

You can tell because I'm a swim instructor. I love being in water and that brings me to peace. And even when I'm washing my hair, there's water dripping down me. It just gives me like a calming sensation. Yeah. But to answer your question, how do they know they're in survivable? When they never talk about themselves.

 

Jill Stowell: Yeah.

 

Miyoki Chan: When their formula, when their day to day, when every day, every year, every moment is about their family, their husband, their kids, their being productive. And you don't hear a single moment of rest, a single moment of recharge, and a single moment of them sitting down to tune into their voice.

 

Jill Stowell: So that's something all of us can kind of pay attention to then is really step back and think, what do I talk about all the time? What do I think about all the time? Does it ever include me?

 

Miyoki Chan: Yes.

 

Jill Stowell: Yeah.

 

Miyoki Chan: Why are you always left out of that big picture? Seems like you filled the whole scene up, right? With activities, with people, with relationship, with products, with outcomes, with results. And then you're like, wait, I'm looking at the scene. I'm not in it.

 

Jill Stowell: Right. Wow. Wow. And I loved what you said about taking a minute to experience the silence or walk on the grass or, you know, touch water, step outside. Sometimes we think taking time for ourselves has to be some big thing that we plan. And really, it's allowing a little bit of space, you know. A tiny bit in nature can be really nurturing to us. I mean, we're kind of neurologically-built that way. So, I love that.

 

Miyoki Chan: My partner and I, we call them micro activities.

 

Jill Stowell: Micro activity.

 

Miyoki Chan: Small, tiny things that you don't have to put so much effort, so much thought, because the last thing a parent needs is more on their plate.

 

Jill Stowell: Right, right.

 

Miyoki Chan: So, it's just to make yourself feel like the plate is not as heavy, really. Everything on the plate doesn't get less. It's just it doesn't feel as less because now you have more of you at present. You have more joy, you have more presence, you have more connection, you have more calm, you have more peace. By giving yourself more, whatever is at hand, the full plate you're holding just feels lighter because you've gotten stronger.

 

Jill Stowell: Nice. So, you've kind of talked about this a little bit. But from your experience, what are some common ways that people mask their struggle? Even if to everyone else, they look successful, but they're really struggling on the inside. What do people typically do to mask?

 

Miyoki Chan: To me, one of the most common one that females, that male too, that they use for a masking mechanism is verbally always saying that they're fine, they're okay. And you'll see sudden moments where they do break, they collapse, and you're just surprised. Oh, where did that come from? I thought she was perfectly fine. Then she snapped, or he just walked off, or she just started bursting in tears. It seems like it came out of nowhere, but it's always from somewhere. It's because they've been holding it in, and in, and in, until you can't capture it anymore. It just has to have an outlet.

 

And that comes out in specific episodes. When the spouse might do something very minor, and you're just like, well, why can't you dah-dah-dah? Or it could be a child just not cooperating to eat, and it's just like any other day. But suddenly that one day, you're just like, “Just eat it.” And you change, your face changed, your body changed. And we don't take a moment to say like, wait a minute, what just happened there? Why am I snapping?

 

It's not that that particular moment you're snapping. It has been building up to that moment of brink. So that's a common one when you see like sudden episodes or outbursts, and you just don't know why. You're like, wait, where did that come from? Well, that's crazy. That's not me. That's not what I want to be.

 

And you regret it later, you think back to it, you just like question yourself, but then you're at a loss, because you don't know where that came from. It's because we never took the time to see that it has been building up, that burnout, that brink.

 

Jill Stowell: You know, with our students at Stowell Learning Center, we look at resistance or behaviors as a skills gap. So, if there's a certain behavior, or struggle, it's because there's a skill underneath that, that isn't serving them well, or hasn't been developed enough.

 

So, kind of thinking about what you were saying, it seems like that's kind of the same with adults in this situation. There are skills that they haven't honed yet. Does that idea kind of resonate with the work that you do with adults and parents?

 

Miyoki Chan: Absolutely. And I shared this in my book, and I'll share this episode with you. Mother's Day this year, right? My daughter, I asked her to put her work away after tutoring in the afternoon. She wouldn't. At night, I tried to convince her to do it again, wouldn't do it. And I snapped. And I just said – I put the stuff away. And then one thing led to another, we got in a huge fight. And it has something to do with her. She finally found a Mother's Day gift that she made for me that week. But instead of trying to hand it to me nicely, like we normally are, but we were both escalated.

 

And that moment, she just threw her gift at me and say, “Here's your Mother's Day gift.” And I look at it, and I tossed it away. I said, “I don't want it.” If that's the way you want to hand your mom a Mother's Day gift, I don't want it. And then she said, “Well, forget it. Then it's just going to be trash.” And I said, “Okay, let me help you.” And I threw it in the trash.

 

It went really bad. But at that moment, I saw her cry. And that's when I heard the voice in me like, “What is going on? This is not who you want to be.” And I freeze. And I just told her like, “Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I need to step away. I can't do this right now. I swear, I will come back to you later on tonight to fix all of this.”

 

I walked away, I went to the bathroom, looked at myself in the mirror and said, that this is not the coach you want to be. This is not the parent you want to be. You like think, what do you really want? And I said, you know, “I can't think.” So, I wash my hand, deep breath. And you know, my logic finally came back. But I still needed time, like another like 10, 15 minutes, the reality of my real time.

 

And then I went back to my daughter. And I didn't say anything first. I just hugged her. And I just said, “Mommy loves you. No, it's nothing that you did wrong today. I just had really big feelings. I didn't know how to process. And that's a skill that I didn't get taught in school and in life. And I have to slowly figure it out. And that's why mommy is being a parenting coach. So, she could help other parents do the same thing. Please give me a chance. I want to fix things.”

 

And she said, “No, I love you, mommy. It's okay. I did wrong too.”

 

And oh my god, we just hugged it out. And it was such a wonderful episode. But I always share that with people, because I said it's never too late to repair. And I agree with you, it is skill sets that we could train ourselves to have, the ticking extra beat, delaying the reaction, and asking intentionally who we want to be how we want to be. And what matters most at that moment? Is it the gift or is it our relationship? Is it winning the argument or is it retaining the peace between us?

 

So, I realized at the end, it was the peace and the love that I care about way more than any of the things we're arguing about to begin with.

 

Jill Stowell: And the more we practice that kind of skill, that self-awareness and self-talk, if we kind of practice it all the time, then when we get into those really tense situations, it's there to serve us. It really has become a supporting skill.

 

Miyoki Chan: Yes, I've polished that skill since Mother's Day. We've had a lot less tantrums and episodes between she and I. Actually, I can almost feel it coming and I can sense it too. But I've also asked myself, well, I also want to give her opportunities to have those moments and also take her time to deal with her own emotions too. If I just always sense and prevent it from happening, you know, always catering to her feelings, that's not helping her do that well either.

 

Jill Stowell: Exactly.

 

Miyoki Chan: Kind of balance the both, right? Like, is there a time I can help her build her resilience and her emotional regulations? And there are other times where I could prevent chaos from spiraling down more.

 

Jill Stowell: Right, right.

 

Miyoki Chan: What I love, what I love is that we could talk about it afterwards. You know, I just said, “Do you remember that episode last week? Like, what did you get out of it?” It's amazing. I don't use like a coaching tone. Obviously, it will be more loving and compassionate. But my point is to help her realize that whether it's a failed episode or a successful episode, we can still walk away with some sort of takeaway lessons.

 

Jill Stowell: Absolutely. And you said something really important there that, you know, you as the mom can prevent a lot of things, but your child also needs the opportunity to exercise her own skills and executive function.

 

Miyoki Chan: Yes.

 

Jill Stowell: And sometimes you're absolutely right, something's going to escalate or has escalated to a point that if you don't step in, it's going to be, you know, unfixable, maybe, but really, our kids do need the opportunity. And then to look back and, you know, to say, “Oh, that was a failed episode. But let's talk about it.”

 

Miyoki Chan: Yes.

 

Jill Stowell: That's just huge for learning.

 

Miyoki Chan: Yeah, I don't run away from the episode. I think every parent should embrace those tough moments. Because every time you manage or mismanage a tough moment, you think back to why it was so tough, and how that toughness next time, you know, you can manage better next time, and help your child as well. Don't just focus on your part. At the moment, you focus on you.

 

But I always remember to look backward, outward, like, we're in the scene. But to step away from the scene to observe as a director, or even as the audience is hard at the moment. But if you capture that scene, and remember what happened, you can always get an opportunity to revisit the scene as an audience later.

 

And that's what I do as spectacularly as a coach. I like to guide my audience to relive the scene and figure out like, what exactly was going on? How did it happen? But if you can redo scene two, again, next week, with the same person, assuming it's your mom, or your daughter, or your spouse, how else would you want to do anything? So that you could anticipate and prepare for next time. And not only for yourself, but talk to the child as well. Right? That's dual winning.

 

Jill Stowell: Right, absolutely.

 

Miyoki Chan: And result.

 

Jill Stowell: And so, is that kind of what you mean when you talk about rewriting mindset? Is that what you're talking about there?

 

Miyoki Chan: You could say sort of ties into that. But when I say rewriting mindset, a lot of it has to do with rewriting narrative. So, my background is a high-performance coach. I had clients who come to me, sometimes sharing that growing up, they had parents that tell them, oh, you need to study this, or why don't you go into this field? And they did. And then they end up leaving the industry or the field to realizing that that was not their dream. They were doing someone else's narrative. They were following someone else's path.

 

And the narrative they've been told is that that industry is not profitable, let's say creative, right? As a writer, as a musician, as artists. They say go into a business, go into healthcare, go into accounting, but their heart is not there. You know, and they come to me and they're like, “I don't know where to go in my life.” They need a sense of clarity. And then we figured that we actually had to work on their narrative, the one that they've been told, they've been bought into.

 

And I actually bought into some of those narratives myself growing up. And it was in a household where there was a lot more priority given to the male of the house. And I always thought that my worth was under my brother's.

 

I thought that guys’ value in the household came first. And when I get married, also, I had to always listen to my husband. I'm not saying we don't listen to our spouse, we still respect them for input. But we could rewire those narratives. I don't think they're fixed, just like learning is not fixed. My background is also in linguistics.

 

So, I think a lot of the times if you're willing to hard work, but involved, but it's rewireable. Nothing is fixated. And even things that doctors determine, like, oh, there's no other way, this is the sentence. No, I've seen miracles, I've seen, and I don't call them miracles, as I just think they're works of human, works of mind, works of determination, and works of clarity.

 

When you have a clear sense, when you're determined, and there's no other options, you just keep going until you get to what you want. To me, that's rewriting our narrative, you know. We deciding for ourselves what we want, not someone else telling us what we should, what we need.

 

Jill Stowell: So, when you think about a parent of a child who is struggling, what might be an old belief or a narrative that that parent might need to unlearn? And what might a healthier internal script sound like? Did that make sense?

 

Miyoki Chan: No, absolutely makes sense. One of the biggest scripts that parents tend to tell themselves is, “I don't know.” I don't know about this diagnosis. I don't know about what this means and I can't help my child, or like, there's only so much I can do. I disagree, because I came from a long path of advocating for my child before she even knew how to tell me what she needed. And also, another script is always thinking that the experts know everything about what's best for your child. The schools will take care of every need for your child.

 

No, I think you have to dabble at a lot of things and communicate openly to really figure out what is best for your child, what's customized, personalized to your child's need. Not every – what do you call those, medication, fixes every symptom.

 

And I don't think they should fix symptom. I think they should fix root cause. So, one of the biggest things I tell parents is that what you're dealing with is not a symptom, it's not a behavior. What you're really dealing with, there's more to the root if you're willing to go deeper.

 

Don’t take things as it is. Be curious. Be mindful about the information that you gather before you decide anything. Keep your mind open. I'm not an expert in the field of health care, right, but medication as well, dosages You know, we have endocrine. Like he knows the best for my child. I also disagree because their body is changing. There are so many factors that impact it. So same thing for a child with learning disability. I wouldn't just take things as they say like, oh, they're just too lazy. Well, it's too hard for them.

 

Like they're never going to be able to learn. They're never going to be able to read They're never going to – there's no never. It's never when you decide it's never. It's not black and white. Everything is a spectrum. Everything is ranging. I don't call them neurodivergent. I actually call them neural ranging. We're just all in that range together in a different place and you can help move them in that space as much as you want to, as much as they're willing to. But with your support and with the right places, they can move at maximum speed.

 

Jill Stowell: And you really touched on something that is pretty near and dear to my heart, that idea that there's always something under the surface. We know when students are struggling in school, the difficulties with reading or attention or getting their work done. All the things that we see are symptoms of deeper skills that aren't supporting the student well enough.

 

At the Learning Center, we use parent observations and testing to determine what's beneath the surface, so we can make a plan and we know where to start to make a change. Change starts with awareness, but that has got to be a lot more difficult when it's someone looking at themselves. So how do you coach people to recognize what’s really going on beneath their own frustration or reactivity or shut down?

 

Miyoki Chan: For me one of the big key things that I work with individuals is not dealing with individual episodes. but what kind of patterns keep popping up. If they keep saying “I don't know.” to a million question I asked, I wonder like do you wonder why you don't ever have an answer to my questions. Is it because you really don't know or you don't want to answer it? Is it really you don't know or it's a touchy subject that we can't get into right now? Is there something else behind the scene of that?

 

I always try to help them identify whether it's a trigger word or a feeling or a mentality and really dive deeper to where did that stem from. That's where the root diagnosis comes from. For me, you have to question your why, why you're not comfortable, why you won't talk about it. Why you're okay all the time even and some people say, “Well, I can't answer the why question. That's one of the hardest questions to answer.”

 

Well, change the question What is it about the why question that bothers you? Which word gets your emotional response? Which one puts you on your toes and you're like, oh, let's not touch that? There's that and then a big one for me a lot of people always say – and I learned this myself in psychology class and communication class is when we have conflict with other people whether it's a spouse or a family member.

 

If someone blames you for something, do you get defensive right away and if you get defensive why? Again, it's asking what is causing the defensiveness and then also if you get criticized. Yeah, so if you get criticized you get defensive and if someone is talking about certain feelings and you just can't be in that room, you're flustered or like frustrated. You just need to be away. You want to escape. Again, figure all of that out and then for me a big one. I think with my husband and I, okay, so he pointed out like oh – I think he commented something like something simple, but oh, we just need to keep our house clean and I said, “Just? No, please don't use just. That's a big trigger for me, like that devalues all the effort I try to keep to maintain the house. I didn't just have to keep put things back There's like a million other things I had to take care of besides putting this back.”

 

But again, later on learning to take agency of what he's really trying to say and I'm also teaching both of us to communicate more effectively instead of – you know, the nonviolent language nonviolent communication instead of attacking the person to really figure out what is it that you need from them and I just ask him. Does it bother you that I forgot to bring my jacket back? Would it help if I remember to bring it back every time? And I think that went down a lot easier Instead of me staying frustrated, got defensive and say, “Well, you always forget the key or you can't remember your shoes.”

 

We're just taking ownership and really analyzing and improving our language. But I again I also say sometimes verbals help but with our kids, especially the ones that are quiet or still struggling with language or speech delay. I have a child who had that too. Really learning to meet them where they're at and if language is not the word, then use body language, use actions, use gestures, use smiles and hugs. I say do whatever you can in your toolbox. This shouldn't be limited to just talking. Use your observation and that's for yourself, too.

 

Like when you say like how do you catch somebody or how do you help your client? I ask them sometimes like oh, when that feeling comes on, what's your body doing? Are you tight? Are you relaxed? Like what's going on in your head? Like are you screaming on top of your lung cursing inside and just holding it in, like you're tightening your fist? Is your shoulder tight? Is your neck like oh, right?

 

So really being observant of what our body is going through, what languages we're using in our head and then of course what we're doing behaviorally with our body in response to either a situation or a statement. Does that answer the question?

 

Jill Stowell: Oh, that was amazing. You really captured something that I know you and I have talked about which is as we're problem-solving with anybody really, even with ourselves, we certainly apply this with kids. But as we're problem-solving, leading with compassion and curiosity. So, you know, you're talking about, wow, what was it about that statement with the word “just” that really ruffled my feathers? What was that? Because then if we really can be curious about that and figured out, we then have an avenue to make a change You know and to share about that.

 

Miyoki Chan: Yeah, with parents one of the key things we work with them to figuring out is their parenting value, right? Not just for the day-to-day but overall as being a parent. What kind of parent do they really want to be? What are the most important values they want to incorporate into their daily lives with their kids in their household and teaming that up with the husband?

 

In our parenting and coaching circle, we always talk about if you have one of those Venn diagrams, what would be your value? What would be your partner's value? What would be your child's value and where's the meeting point of all of this so that you can all live within your value? But also, to appreciate what value matters most to the family?

 

I think that's so important for guiding us for family matters, but even for guiding us when we leave the household as well because you'll know then. When you get in a conflict like well, is this that much of an importance or something I value more, is more important? And I choose compassion and curiosity over winning any arguments or always having to be the right person or having to be the first person. There's always different pride of us that wants to win an argument or be the first one to get the answer.

 

I have that competitive side too. But again, to me I had redefined what winning means and what success means to me. Before it’s like be the first. Always win and now I choose harmony and I choose joy for myself, for my family. One of my big one right now is growth. What will really help them grow? I can't just solve every problem. I could. I even have the capability to a lot of the times but like we said, we have to help them build their own resilience.

 

That's with our kids. That's even with our partner. Sometimes if I know what my partner wants, but I have to give him opportunity to stumble and to realize that hey, that doesn't work. It doesn't work at home. It also doesn't work in the workforce. And that's how I help them grow because I choose growth over just problem-solving.

 

Jill Stowell: And that's an amazing perspective because our first thought often is that we're going to fix it. We don't want people that we love to be suffering or struggling. We want to fix it, but ultimately, if they are allowed to work through the process with support, you know, they come out of it more resilient, more capable, you know/

 

Miyoki Chan: It goes in their toolbox. You’re teaching them how to fish. You're not the fisher for them, because you don't want to deprive them of the opportunity.

 

Jill Stowell: Right. So Miyoki, I want to just go back to that idea of survival mode for a minute for parents who are listening, who are in a place of constant go-go-go. What is one doable but powerful shift they could make today to begin stepping out of survival mode?

 

Miyoki Chan: Stepping out of survival mode.

 

Jill Stowell: So, one little thing that someone could do.

 

Miyoki Chan: So, okay in my book I talk about forming pillars. I'm going to choose one of these to talk about. The first one is safety. The second one is validation and then it's empowerment and then it's community and you have to go through all four of these. But if you want to talk about one very small thing that parents can do that really shift the mindset or the framework, I would start with validation. Just validating that you are doing a good job. You do have things in control, but you just have to slow down.

 

And I say slow down as in don't worry about checking off everything on your to-do list today. Just refocus and give yourself in that validation that you will get there when you get there. You don't have to rush to get everything done in one day and I had to tell my friend that. She's super high performance and she's entrepreneur, business owner, mom of two boys and like always worrying that she doesn't get enough done. I said, “Just breathe and tell yourself you are doing a lot and you're doing enough You don't have to get it all done in one day.”

 

Really like just that mindset shift and just saying like, you know, I choose to slow down so that I could choose something else, to lessen the feeling of having to run on a rat race, having to run on the treadmill like 90 miles per hour. Let's just go on a steady 45 until you pick up pace, until you have some sort of system, until you have some kind of support. Then go back to 90. It's okay but give yourself grace that you could go 45 and you could fluctuate day-to-day and here's another thing. A lot of parents, they always like to jam pack their week with their own agenda and their kid’s agenda. It's okay. For me one of the things I do for my child is I want to expose her to languages, music, to sports, to draw, everything too. But I don't jam pack everything in a week. I'm okay with her doing two things in one week.

 

If you want to sing, let's sing. If you want to try ice skating, we'll do ice skating and that's it. Just those two days. I don't have to fill in and I'm not saying every parent has to do that. You get your kid very well, so I expect you to be the expert of your family. But also for yourself, for your own sanity. Don't fill up the timeline for every single breathing moment. Allow time for the kids to play free unsupervised. Allow yourself some time to just lay on the couch. Do nothing That's the best way and that's not lazy. I redefine that. That is high productivity because it recharges your mind, your heart and your soul.

 

Then you can come back fresh, fully at turbo speed, doing a hundred percent what you have intended to do and not just reacting to the moment and situation and then feel flustered, overwhelmed and want to cry and feel like no one understands you. No one understands because you don't even understand yourself. You don't even understand your own need. You don't even know how to advocate for yourself. So slow down.

 

Jill Stowell: Yeah. You just said so much there. I'm sure everybody is resonating with everything you said. When you talked about start with validation, that's one of the things that we find incredibly simple and powerful with our students is to validate even the tiniest thing, but validate it and then move forward. So often we validate, oh, I got one thing on my to-do list done, but I have 50 more things. Well, wipe out that word “but” because it sort of negates your validation. Validate and move on.

 

I took a minute to plop down on the couch and now I feel revived to do something else. Instead of but now I'm so far behind, you know. I mean it changes everything.

 

Miyoki Chan: I actually have a neurodivergent client who gave me this tip. She said, “I hate to-do lists because I feel like I can never finish it or do anything on the list.” She's like, “I wish there was just a done list.” I said, “Do it You need a done list. Just check the one thing or the five things or the 27th thing, if you did that much done for that day and then look back and say, ‘Tomorrow, do I really need to get this much done or I don't need to?’ instead of the other way around.”

 

You know like feeling negative and feel unaccomplished. Be proud of what you did accomplish. You've done it. You turned in the bill. You signed your kid up for music class. You did laundry. You're done. But that's okay. Be focusing on the growth and the done and the progress and not focusing on the lacking and the missing and the half-empty class.

 

Jill Stowell: Right, right. You know, I think intellectually, we know that reclaiming our own well-being creates a ripple effect, but a lot of parents feel guilty prioritizing themselves. So, what would you say to the parent who worries that taking care of themselves first means taking something away from their child or family?

 

Miyoki Chan: This is a visual I always like to give parents. I said, “Okay, if you feel guilty spending time on yourself, picture this. You're waking up, not enough sleep, Saturday morning, frustrated with the kids asking for breakfast and then you're more frustrated that you have to run across town or take them to gymnastics or soccer class and then you're there grumpy and then later on they come home and they need food and you make it for them and just your face, your body is just tight and tense. You don't like that. They don't want to see that. You want harmony. You want joy in the family. Take care of yourself first.”

 

Imagine you went to bed the night before early enough. So, you got up 10 minutes early, drank your coffee, read the news or just go outside for some fresh air. Assuming you don't stick on your phone doom scrolling too long. Spend the moment on yourself and plan out like what kind of parent, what kind of day do I want to leave today, you know. Then your kids wake up. You hug them. You ask them. Hey, what's going on? What's for breakfast? This is what we're doing today. They’re happy. You're happy daddy, happy mommy.

 

You go to practice and you come home again. You can let them in the house first if you stay in the car for another moment. Just Breathe and reset. In coaching, we always say release, release, release your tension, release your tension, and release your anger, release your feelings and then we say reset. Let's reset and decide who I want to be, how I want to come and then go in fresh for every seat. Every time you cross your garage, every time you open a doorway, figure it out, a moment that you want to reset yourself and make it intentional. And I think you don't have to make big effort and sacrifices to say, “Oh, I don't care about my kids anymore. It's all about me, me, me.”

 

No. Again, these are micro activities, very simple things we could do daily, hourly. You could even say every 10 minutes, half hour if you need to. Recharge, reset. That's called putting the best of you out there and then you being happy in your own shoes and not feel like you're running in low energy or low emotional, you know, mental health. That way you're always coming up either in full bar or passing the full bar for your kids.

 

You're showing up the way you want to as a parent and as a leader for your household. That's why it's so crucial that you come first because if you don't go there first that way, the scene goes very messy. You could decide how the scene can start and you could decide where the scene can go. A lot of the times your kids end up being the ones that are responding to the scene based on how you set it up.

 

So, I tell parents set your scene up right, set yourself first. You're the writer. Write the narrative the way you want to go every single scene before you start. Say, “What do I want this to be next day? Where do I want this to be today?”

 

Jill Stowell: Wow, that's a great visual.

 

Miyoki Chan: Do the hammer in the nail for them, why it’s so important we take care of ourselves first.

 

Jill Stowell: Yes. You have a new book coming out, “Breaking Through Survival Mode”. How can our audience get that? You said something about October.

 

Miyoki Chan: Yes, so the pre-sale launch date is going to be October 6th and you could do the order online. The great thing about it is you can order an e-copy, a hard copy. But you can also order some of my coaching. You have access to a small companion book I have that talk about emotional regulation and dealing with screen addiction and technology as a freebie when you sign up for my newsletter, and when you sign up to try a coaching episode and you could do packages there or you could just do group coaching with me as well. I will share with you, Jill, the link to the order site and my website is www.plentifulearning.com and it's the same thing in my Instagram. Yeah, so there you go. Thank you, and there's a link for my book landing page at my main website.

 

Jill Stowell: Perfect.

 

Miyoki Chan: Thank you so much for bringing that up. I totally forgot. So, I loved this conversation and I loved talking with you the last time about it, too

 

Jill Stowell: You also have a retreat coming up in Los Angeles, right?

 

Miyoki Chan: Yes, so it's going to be October 26th. We have not finalized the venue. We're choosing between the two. I will let you know when this episode airs. We will have all the details out by then. Yeah, so it could be late fall on a Sunday afternoon and it's just for parents to get a few hours away to recharge. We're just going to do some meditation, journaling, have a little discussion about parenting and come with questions if you want. Yeah, and I'll have a small treat for you guys before you leave at the retreat.

 

Jill Stowell: Wonderful. So last question. What does thriving look like to you? Especially for someone who spent a long time just trying to get through the day.

 

Miyoki Chan: Oh, that's a heavy question. It's the same question that people get when they ask me, “What is high performance? Does that mean I'm getting everything done?” Yes, and no. Yes, you're getting stuff done, but you're choosing what to get done. You're choosing what to respond to. You're choosing where to spend your time. You're choosing what matters most to you. You're choosing to align with your values and your principles and for me thriving is getting a very clear sense of what you want, what you need and having the energy, mentality, emotional capacity to get there.

 

For me in the book, I also talked about the last point is the community, the support community to engulf yourself in and if you don't have one, create one, join one. I'm always looking for ways to unite parents and create a safe space for us to be judgment-free and to really just talk about parenting and sharing resources. Same thing with my coaching clients. I'm always looking for accountabilities and also to share resources. So don't go on this journey alone. You may feel alone, that your episode is very different, that your kid is like so like XXX. My husband is so XXX.

 

No, there's commonalities There's always something we could go to each other, bounce off ideas and get support. If I hadn't gone out to get support, I would never have come across Stowell. So, I'm glad that within my community, I was able to find the resources to support my daughter. So, every parent, every listener out there, I want you to know that if you're willing to, there's always a community out there and if you say you can't find one, I'll ask you for the list. List me your 100, list me your 1000, get in contact with me. Your list is not long enough. There's something out there for everyone or create one.

 

Yeah, that's what I do with the book. I'm starting to create a community starting with the book for the T1D community, for the neurodivergent community, for the parenting community. There is something out there. It could be as small as a book or big as a podcast like Jill's or a YouTube channel or a learning center or more. But tap into the resources. Use your connections.

 

Jill Stowell: Well, Miyoki, thank you so much. This has just been an incredible conversation.

 

Miyoki Chan: That's wonderful for me as well. Thank you for Your wonderful questions, very insightful, got me distracted about the book. I just went full-on. It's talking about parenting and learning challenges and mental and emotional health.

 

Jill Stowell: Well, and I can tell you've not only been there, but you just have such a passion for helping others and I love that. Thank you so much.

 

Miyoki Chan: Yes, and thank you for all you do. I love this podcast. I started listening to it this year. Wonderful material. I'll be sharing with my network and my community as well. I hope to join more PTA groups and working local-wise to get the services out there that's needed to support families and support kids and to bridging gaps. You know, if there's like a knowledge gap or there's a resource gap, to really fill that in, so that our parents, so that our community feels supported.

 

Jill Stowell: Fantastic. Well, thank you so much. It has been great to have you.

 

Miyoki Chan: Thank you.

 

Jill Stowell: And listeners, I just hope this has felt like a nice long exhale to you. It really has to me. The challenges associated with dyslexia and other learning disabilities can actually be dramatically improved when we stop using Band-Aid approaches and start strengthening weak or missing underlying skills.

 

Contrary to popular belief, your child doesn't have to just live with it for the rest of their life. Every day doesn't have to be a battle for your family. If you are a parent looking for help for your child or you want to bring this kind of help to your community, visit StowellCenter.com. That’s StowellCenter.com to schedule a complimentary consultation.

 

If this episode gave you hope or insight, we would be so grateful if you would share it Like, subscribe and send it to another parent or educator who needs to know how to take care of themselves and that real change is possible. The story for struggling students and their families can change. Let's change that narrative together.