Episode 18: Helping the Behaviorally-Challenging Child – Debra Ann Afarian

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In this Episode

This week’s podcast guest is Debra Ann Afarian, a parent of a formerly challenging child and certified Collaborative Problem Solving Trainer and Coach.

She shares her journey of trying to understand her son’s behavior and moving away from convention. She introduces us to a more relational approach to addressing difficult behaviors which teaches a child better self-awareness and emotional regulation.

You'll learn:

• Where the conventional parenting of rewards and consequences falls short
• 5 areas of lagging skills that could trigger challenging behaviors
• An introduction to a new way of approaching challenging behaviors, Collaborative Problem Solving

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Episode Highlight

“Kids do well if they can. If they could do well, they would do well. And if they're not doing well, then something's getting in their way.” - Debra Ann Afarian

In this week’s episode, Debra Ann introduces us to a new philosophy and way of approaching difficult behaviors called, “Collaborative Problem Solving”. The conventional way of parenting with rewards and consequences doesn’t take into account that there may be a deeper root to the child’s behavior. You’ll learn the 5 areas where there could be lagging skills which could trigger the difficult behavior.

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Resources

• Helping the Behaviorally Challenging Child (HBCC) - Debra Ann’s nonprofit organization for training and educating parents, educators, healthcare professionals on understanding children with difficult behaviors
• The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children - Book recommendation
• The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Adversity - Book recommendation
• The School Discipline Fix: Changing Behavior Using the Collaborative Problem Solving Approach - Book recommendation
• Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children's Behavioral Challenges - Book recommendation

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Bonus Q&A

What are the first steps someone can take to adopt this approach of Collaborative Problem Solving?

The short answer is to watch, wait and ask. The first (and probably biggest) hurdle is to not react when the challenging behavior erupts, but to give it space and then help the child express their concern.

Listen to a more in-depth explanation in this week’s episode.

Quick Answers

Why don't rewards and consequences always work for difficult behavior?

Debra Ann Afarian explains that the conventional way of parenting with rewards and consequences doesn't take into account that there may be a deeper root to the child's behavior.

What does it mean that kids do well if they can?

Debra Ann Afarian says: kids do well if they can. If they could do well, they would do well, and if they're not doing well, then something's getting in their way. She describes 5 areas where there could be lagging skills which could trigger the difficult behavior.

What are the first steps for responding to challenging behavior?

The short answer is to watch, wait and ask. The first and probably biggest hurdle is to not react when the challenging behavior erupts, but to give it space and then help the child express their concern.