Episode 82: Back-to-School Balance: Healthy Habits to Calm Teen Anxiety – Jamie Roberts

LD Expert Podcast with Jill Stowell
Back-To-School Balance Healthy Habits to Calm Teen Anxiety
Jamie Roberts

 

Jill Stowell: A few years ago, we had a student named Nathan who was so proud of himself after his summer session at the Learning Center. He had worked so hard and he had made really good progress, and for the first time, he actually felt excited to go back to school. But then, just about two weeks before school started, something shifted. He couldn't sleep every time someone brought up school. He felt sick to his stomach. That confidence that he had built over the summer started giving way to anxiety.

Our brain loves a fresh start. It actually gives us a chemical boost at the thought of a new beginning. When something like the new school year rolls around, the brain releases a wave of neurotransmitters, dopamine to spark motivation, norepinephrine to help us focus, and serotonin to support emotional balance and sense of well-being.

It's called the fresh start effect, and it can really inspire hope and momentum. But the brain also remembers hard things, and it can fall back into old patterns of anxiety. Nathan's school year actually turned out great. Once he got back to school, he realized he really could do it, and he started feeling confident and in control again. 

If your child or teen is looking at the start of school with more trepidation than excitement, stick with us. Today, my friend and colleague Jamie Roberts is here to talk about what students can do to reduce anxiety around going back to school and some simple, healthy habits that they can use to have a less stressful, more enjoyable school year.

Welcome to the LD Expert Podcast, your place for answers and solutions for dyslexia and learning differences. 

I'm your host, Jill Stowell, Founder and Executive director of Stowell Learning Centers and author of “Take the Stone Out of the Shoe: A Must-Have Guide to Understanding, Supporting, and Correcting Dyslexia, Learning, and Attention Challenges”. My guest today is Jamie Roberts.

Jamie is a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Equilibrium Counseling Services in Rancho Cucamonga, California. She is the author of a wonderful user-friendly book called “Mindfulness for Teen Anxiety”. Jamie works extensively with teens and young adults and brings both personal and professional insight into how to help teens stay grounded and emotionally balanced, especially at times of transition like we're in now. Welcome, Jamie. 

Jamie Roberts: Thank you so much for having me, Jill. I always love having conversations with you, especially about our favorite teens.

Jill Stowell: That's right. Well, I'm so happy to have you back with us. I really think you just get teens. You have this amazing way of meeting them right where they are, getting inside their world without it being weird, which is kind of a superpower, actually, and helping them take real doable steps forward. 

Jamie Roberts: It helps that I think that they're the coolest people around. I think it's just so fun to be at that mixed age of still being a kid that wants to play, but having an understanding of adult concepts and being able to go into depth in those conversations and still being playful about it.

Jill Stowell: Absolutely. Boy, it's kind of hard to think back to those teen years, but I kind of loved being a teen. It might be fun to be back there. But anyway, there's a lot going on at that time of life and this time of year, and I know parents are going to really appreciate everything you have to share today. So, I want to jump in and talk a little bit about the beginning of school. What are you seeing with the teens that you work with around going back to school? 

Jamie Roberts: So, I usually see one of two things. Either one is they don't want to talk about school at all. They just want to stay in summer. They'll get to school when they get to school and ignore it or it's the other side of starting to have anxiety about the school year starting. Usually there is an excitement about seeing friends or being around friends more consistently, but there's an anxiety about the academics and a lot around the anticipation of the unknown, of not knowing what to expect, what their class schedule would be, who will their teachers be, will classes be easy or hard. So, a lot of those what=if questions start to kind of build up.

Jill Stowell: Yeah. You know, I mentioned the fresh start effect. I mean, that is a real thing. And this idea that our brains naturally respond to new beginnings with a boost of motivation and focus. And I feel like I see that with a lot of our students. But even with that fresh start energy, some kids experience anxiety that just really seems to ramp up before school begins.

So how could a teen or a parent reframe their fears or nervousness about the school year so they can take advantage of that newness and fresh start? 

Jamie Roberts: Yeah. Well, I love that you bring in the brain chemistry piece of it, because that is so integral. I like to talk about evolutionary. Our brain is always looking for danger, because if we can identify the danger, we know what safety is. And even now, when we think about the anticipation of school anxiety, our brain fills in the gaps of the what if. If I don't know what's around the corner, I'm going to assume it's danger, so I can prepare myself and find safety.

And that's what we do a lot with the what-if questions. And often that's what fuels anxiety or worry, is because I don't know what the answer is, so I'm going to assume it's going to be bad. And so, a way we can reframe that is knowing that our brain is making up a story.

Our brain is filling in that blank. So, is there another story that we could put in place? Is there another what-if that maybe is more neutral or more positive? And find alternatives to the story, or even collect facts so we can actually fill in those blanks. What are the facts of the situation? Do we have the schedule? Can we see if we have friends in classes? Can we go walk through campus before school starts to be able to find where we need to go? Depending on what the fear is, how do we get the facts and the information to fill in that blank to reduce the unknowns? 

Jill Stowell: Wow, I love that idea that our brain creates a story. And could it be a different story? I also think, you know, when you talk to kids about the brain and what their brain does, and they get the idea, okay, if I don't know, then my brain automatically is looking for the danger there. But there could be a different story. I really like that language.

Jamie Roberts: Yes. And that's why, Jill, I practice that with my clients of fact finding. If we don't know something, what are the facts of the situation? And if there's a fact that's missing, how do we find it? Can we ask somebody for it? Can we seek it out? Or is that where the question mark still lands? And how do we prepare our nervous system around that specific unknown, instead of the big ambiguous giant all of its unknown? 

Jill Stowell: Right, right. You know, that's interesting. Also, when you when you say, “Can we prepare our nervous system?” In some ways, I think that gives kids more sense of control. Oh, there is something I can do to prepare my nervous system, which is a little anxious. It's not me like there's something wrong with me as a person. I have this thing that I can take care of. 

Jamie Roberts: Yeah, I like that. Yeah, I mean, our nervous system is doing what it's supposed to do. Our nervous system reacts to our environment in a protective way. And sometimes it is overreactive. And sometimes it's under reactive. And so being able to listen to our body and help turn down the volume of the intensity or help regulate back into like a neutral place, and being able to work in tandem with what our nervous system is telling us, not to suppress it or ignore it, because that is important information, but how to work with it so that it doesn't continue to dysregulate us. 

Jill Stowell: Yeah. Wow. I love that. And I think I can see how kids could really relate to that.

Jamie Roberts: Absolutely. I talk about having an explanation versus an excuse, that if we can explain what's going on with our body, explain what's going on in our brain, that gives ourselves more context and the people around us more context. And it's not an excuse. And it's not just passing it off, but it gives actual information about what's going on in a situation. 

Jill Stowell: Right. And as soon as we have the knowledge or the understanding that gives us a sense of power and control.

Jamie Roberts: Absolutely. Absolutely. 

Jill Stowell: So, what are some of the most common signs of back-to-school anxiety that parents or even teens themselves might tend to overlook? 

Jamie Roberts: Yeah. I mean, I think the most common that we'll see is like some rumination or that anticipatory anxiety. So, the rumination would be repeating a story over and over or asking repeat questions about a situation, in attempt to gain that information to fill in the blank. But we might not initially recognize it as anxiety.

Maybe if a kid starts to get quieter, if they're not talking about it or not expressing it, but they just get a little quieter or a little sullen, and maybe they're not engaging as much with some of the summer activities, or when the questions about school come up, they just kind of shrug or say whatever. There's not an engagement in either way. And so, if there's a shift in the overall interaction or their energy, that would be something to pay attention to.

I think a second thing that we may notice is if kids are staying up later at night, we tend to see a big spike in anxiety in those late-night hours, because all the stimulation of the world has gone quiet. They don't have an activity to be to, they don't have a sibling to interact with, they don't have a chore to get done. The world is quiet. They're just in their room or in bed. Their brain really starts going. That's the only thing to kind of pay attention to.

And I think that that can get overlooked because it's summer. We might be staying up late. We know teens like to stay up later. So, noticing a kid staying up late may not send any flags, but asking questions about what they're doing during that time, how they feel during that, what are they thinking about would give a little bit more clues or context to how their brain is processing information when everything else goes quiet. 

Jill Stowell: Wow, that's really interesting. You know, teens traditionally don't always love to have their parents ask them questions. They kind of feel like they're being interrogated a little bit. But if parents are starting to see that, you know, that kind of a shift with their kids, do you have a suggestion about how they might just sort of open the door for them to talk about that? 

Jamie Roberts: Always start conversations with curiosity. If your questions come from a curious place of just, I just want to learn more, it takes away that interrogation feeling versus the like, “What happened? What were you doing? What time did you go to bed?” That feels like an interrogation. But if it's like, “How was the rest of your night? How late did you stay up? Were you playing that game again? How did you do on that level?” Like, there's a curiosity. And during that curiosity, you get conversation going and you gain more information and you're investing in what they're interested in as well, which opens up more desire to share information.

So, I think that would be a piece. I also think we model behavior. And if we're sharing about our own experiences, if the parent is also talking about, you know, I'm starting to feel a little nervous about you guys going back to school. I was up last night thinking about how our schedules are going to change or some of the pressure that it might be, or how nice of a summer we've been having. Like, have you been having any thoughts like that? So, when we as adults have to say the things for kids to know that they can say them back to us. So, we're talking about our own experiences. If we're modeling that and mirroring that experience, kids now have the invitation to also have those conversations and to know how to say the words or how to bring it up because you're bringing it up. 

Jill Stowell: Yeah, it's funny. At the Learning Center, we're modeling all the time, modeling the language, modeling, you know, the strategy. And of course, you know, that's a huge piece of how kids learn and grow. And even though teens look so grown up, they're still learning and growing. 

Jamie Roberts: Absolutely they’re still learning. Like they may be capable of a lot of things, but we have to remember that some of those capabilities or those function spaces are still flexible. If they were able to do it once before, it doesn't mean they're going to be able to do it consistently every time. So how do we have space for that learning curve of fluidity? 

Jill Stowell: Right, right. So, what is the difference between kind of typical school nerves and anxiety that really might need more attention? 

Jamie Roberts: Absolutely. I think there's a very natural developmental stage of anticipating a transition, a little like the butterflies, the jitters of the unknowns and kind of having that conversation. Like that seems within the realm of like expected. I think when we start to see it move past outside of that initial conversation, right, like nervousness for a specific event kind of stays within that event. It might be time limited or like the nerves pop up when you're talking about it. But if you're off doing something enjoyable, you're not feeling that same anxiety versus anxiety is always present when you're in that state. 

So, whether or not you're talking about school or you're playing outside, you're still kind of feeling that nervousness or you have the thoughts running in the back of your head. So, if you see your kid bringing it up multiple times or asking additional questions or if it's the same question over and you've answered it before, that means some need in that question is not being met or they're ruminating on it.

They start coming up with a lot of the what-if stories or nervousness or maybe, you know what, I said I wanted to try out for that sport, but I don't I don't want to do it anymore. It feels like too much. Those might be signs that it is moving beyond what is typical. So, if it is an adjustment from their typical behavior and it becomes a consistent change, that would be something to really take notice of. 

Jill Stowell: Right, right. Well, that's really helpful. You have a book that I just love, “Mindfulness for Teen Anxiety” and I know you're writing another book and I can't wait for that one to come out. But this particular book, you offer some really accessible things for teens and I'm wondering if you have a couple of mindfulness kinds of strategies that you would suggest that teens start to use on day one or as they prepare to go back to school. 

Jamie Roberts: Absolutely. The book is written in a very hands-on sensory based thing to be able to apply immediately and also has some mindfulness techniques that can be done at school with not anybody even noticing that's what they're doing. Some go to ones that I think are very basic. When you can integrate them into your daily life is when they are the most successful. We only use mindfulness techniques when we're at that peak of anxiety. They'll still help, but we want to work on not getting to that peak.

So, if we can integrate them throughout the whole day, throughout the week, it really decreases the anxiety overall. So, two of the ones that I think are my favorite, one is grounding. So grounding is literally on the ground, like really reconnecting back to your body and to earth and feeling your body. So, you use your five senses and in a sensory way. So, it can be like feeling the actual pressure, physical touch pressure, your feet on the ground. It can be noticing three things you can see. It can be three things you can feel, three things you can hear. And that brings you back into the present moment instead of drifting off again into those what-if stories, like that's in the future or if it's in the past about something that went wrong before, but bringing us right back into the present moment. And in this present moment, what can I find around me? 

My favorite way to do that is with a pet. I have cats. So, if I have my cat and I can feel her fur and I can hear her purr and I can see the pattern of her print, and I'm not going to taste my cat, but there's ways that we can use our grounding stuff with our animals. And a lot of kids, our animals are really great ways to help regulate the neuro system.

Jill Stowell: You know, I love that. And because it's just so tangible and thinking about getting in a habit of doing that throughout your day, you really are retraining your brain. You're training your brain, what it feels like to be calmer and more grounded and when you do it repeatedly, then you can just get to that brain state so much more quickly, you know, sort of …

Jamie Roberts: Yeah. You could be sitting in third period math class and just close your eyes and think of petting your animal and taking that big breath and can help really lower that intensity. 

Jill Stowell: Yeah. I mean, that's such a great habit and easy to do because you don't need anything to do it. 

Jamie Roberts: The other quick one that's easy to do on the fly, especially if somebody is like in almost maybe their anxieties at a panic attack level, or they're really struggling to regulate is to either use like getting a glass of water, like a nice big cold gulp of water. That really helps reset your nervous system or putting an ice pack on your chest over your polyvagal nerve really is like that quick, like, ooh, okay, wait, pause. Let me reset. And those can be quick ways when things are feeling very, very intense.

Jill Stowell: Oh, that's really interesting because it is literally a reset. It just kind of says to your nervous system, “Hold on, let's do something different.”

Jamie Roberts: Exactly.

Jill Stowell: Wow. Thank you. So school isn't just about academics. I mean, I know for many of our students, you know, that's a big stressor until they've kind of worked through those issues. But it's also a social environment too. So how can kids stay grounded when things like friendships and social comparison or performance anxiety keep triggering stress for them? 

Jamie Roberts: Absolutely. So, I work with a lot of neurodivergent kids, especially ADHD and autism, and something a lot of my ADHD years’ experience is rejection sensitivity dysphoria. And that is the experience of a heightened response to a perceived rejection. It doesn't have to necessarily be a rejection, or it can be a built-up response to I've been rejected many times and so I'm anticipating that is what's happening. 

So again, with my clients, I'll work on what is actually happening in the moment. Can we seek clarity? And how do we have clear communication? One of the ways that I work with clients in setting boundaries or setting clear communication with their friends is modeling it also but checking in with communication of “Is that what you meant? Can you repeat it for me? When we're talking, are you venting to me? Do you want my input or am I just listening?” So, seeking that clarity right away about what kind of interaction it's going to be can really give ease to like what the expectation is. My friend is talking to me and I tried to give advice, but she didn't take my advice. Was she looking for advice? Was that the need that your friend was asking for? 

I was telling my friend something and she wasn't listening to me. Did you start the conversation with “I just need to share this with you, I don't need feedback at this moment,” or “I'd really like your input. What should I do?” So, kind of starting off our conversations with clear expectations of how we want interactions to go and knowing that everybody has their own set of needs, and my needs and your needs may not totally match up. It doesn't mean that you don't like me as a person or we're not actually friends. It can just be a misalignment of needs in that moment.

Jill Stowell: Wow, that's a really good piece of learning for everybody really in relation to communication. You know, what do I really want to have happen here or what do they want to have happen? And having the language and kind of permission to learn to ask what's expected there. 

Jamie Roberts: Yeah, I think that there's a big fear of having a friend say no, or to have a friend telling us that's not what they needed and then that feeling of I failed, I'm a bad friend or I'm a bad person, because they told me no. And I think building up some of that understanding and strength that a no can just be like, not right now, this isn't what I need. It doesn't mean that we aren't in friendship, it can just mean I'm not in that place and I don't want this connection at this moment, or not in that way. And being able to have those additional translations of it, or asking for that clarity of translation so that we don't take it as that big rejection, and then that failure, and then we withdraw, and then we don't reach out to that friend. And now we feel like we have no friends.

Jill Stowell: Yeah, yeah. Well, I want to take a minute and talk about the new training company that you have, because you have so many amazing strategies. And I know that parents, professionals would probably love to get on board and learn some of these. Can you tell us about your new company? 

Jamie Roberts: Yes. So, my new company is called NeuroPebble. And it takes the idea of penguin pebbling, which is penguins, when they find a pretty rock, they give it to the penguin that they care about and a lot of neurodivergent people, that's one of our love languages of like, oh, I found this pretty rock and I thought of you and I wanted to give it to you. We share information that way too in our care. So NeuroPebbling is the sharing of ideas and concepts. So, when we get really interested in a deep topic, let's share those facts, let's share that information. And so really cool in anticipation of school coming, we have three courses coming out and our courses are designed for clinicians and allied professionals. But they are open to anyone who has an interest in them. But just know that the content will be focused on like clinical work.

So, we have three coming up for back to school. We have “Beyond the Basics and Deepening Therapeutic Work with Autistic Children with A PDA Profile,” with Brooke Garren. We also have “Transformative Engagement: Advanced Strategies to Supporting Black, Interracial and Neurodiverse Families and Children” with Jasmine Bishop. And then we have “The Revolving Door Stops Here: Strategies for Autistic Teens in Crisis” with Katie K. May. And so really putting that in place to support families, support children, support teens in anticipation of those big intense moments. 

Jill Stowell: Those sound so good. 

Jamie Roberts: I'm so excited for them. 

Jill Stowell: Yeah, I'm pretty excited. I think I want to get on board with those too. These are virtual, right? 

Jamie Roberts: Yes.

Jill Stowell: Are they virtual? 

Jamie Roberts: Yes, they are all virtual. They start as a live presentation, but we do record them and have them available on demand. So, they will be available all year. So, whenever you happen to be listening to this, they are available. 

Jill Stowell: Is there something specific if parents or professionals want to contact you where they should do that? 

Jamie Roberts: Sure. They can reach out to us at neuropebble.com or [email protected] is our email. You can find us on social media, on all platforms. I'm Neurodivergent Therapist, and then NeuroPebble is also on Instagram and so we're available. If you have questions, we will do our best to direct you to the resources that may be the best fit or be able to create that for you. 

Jill Stowell: Great. Thank you. Well, I love your understanding of teens and all the deep, big feelings that they're experiencing. Thank you so much for sharing some of your insights and strategies with us today. This has been a fantastic conversation.

Jamie Roberts: Absolutely. Thank you so much for having me. You always have the best questions and insights. So, I always enjoy this and supporting teens of having a fulfilling and comfortable life is my passion. So, I'm happy to share it. 

Jill Stowell: Well, thank you so much.

Back to school jitters are real, especially for children or teens who have traditionally struggled in school. Parents, if there are things that resonated with you today, we would love for you to post that in the comments. At Stowell Learning Centers, we help children and adults eliminate struggles associated with dyslexia, learning and attention challenges.

We do this by identifying and developing not just what we can see on the surface, but the underlying processing or learning skills that aren't supporting the student well enough. The challenges associated with dyslexia and other learning disabilities can actually be dramatically improved when we strengthen the weak or missing underlying skills and one of the great outcomes of building those foundational skills is reduced anxiety and increased confidence around school.

We're on a mission to help as many people as possible. So please like, subscribe, share so that we can reach families who really need encouragement, hope and real solutions. Let's change the narrative for struggling students together.